…this sudden shift to a new favorite artist is not obsession; it’s a realignment of priorities, allowing myself a chance to put myself in a different orbit that will make it far more likely to achieve my goal of meeting some more like her, and not someone who will continue to ensconce (there’s that word again, I’ve been using it a lot lately) herself in the affairs of small town nonsense.

This new album is rewiring my brain and flashing my boot sector in some extraordinary ways. She has brought new light into a very dark place inside of me. My heart may yet emerge from this calcified prison I threw it into last year just to survive more heartbreak than the poor ravaged muscle could take. She’s making me hurt, but in a way that I’m not used to, and I actually like it.

… I’m now thinking about what Alex Cimo [RIP] accomplished in just 32 years before he was claimed by the horrible evil that is cancer. He made a difference in so many lives. Including mine. I’ve touched more than a few, saved a few along the way. Now I have to save myself. 

I keep thinking about what Maya has often said at the end of her ASMR videos: thank you for existing. Perhaps we all need to hear that bit more often. After all, we all persist here for a little while, and far too many of us simply subsist, or resist, or consist of a bunch of mismatched, incompatible parts that lead us down unfortunate paths. But we all are all a part of some intricate web of causes and effects and trickle down effects and butterfly wing flapping and all these phrases that probably mean nothing in the end but make us think we understand a damn thing about this wondrous fucked up ordeal we call living. 

…  I need to refrain from any more cage building and get back to vibe crafting. 

…

This morning, I returned to my Mystical Cats Tarot deck for the first time in years. I wasn’t even sure where I’d put it so that was a fun adventure. Once I did, I pulled the Three of Fire, which in the traditional deck would be Three of Wands.

The advice from the guidebook: “It’s time to leave the safety of the known. Your next step forward requires some risk, but the regards will more than make up for it. You’ve stayed in the dark long enough. If you want to find enlightenment, you must leap into the light.”

Considering the UV lately, I’ll be sure to use a lot of sunscreen.

But all joking aside, yes, I have definitely been in a bubble for about a year now. I left social media two years ago, but I read and expose myself to less than ever. Even my YouTube watching has narrowed considerably. While my media consumption on the streaming video side is still above what I’d like, it’s been cut a lot in recent months; mostly because people have either moved on entirely or drastically reduced their posting schedules while they find other income or have horrible life circumstances befall them. (Fatal cancer, for example.) 

For a bit more insight, Google AI adds: “The Three of Wands indicates that your recent plans or projects are already in motion and early results are positive. For a Taurus, this card asks you to stop waiting and trust the process. Your foundational efforts are solid, and now it is time to think bigger and prepare for expansion.”

Well, I agree, I’ve put a lot of things in motion, but the important thing is to never mistake forward motion for progress; you could just as easily float off a cliff, which is where I was likely going. I do think, though, that I’ve been achieving my writing goals fairly regularly. I’m not reading enough, for sure, and yet, my writing output has been quite significant. I haven’t posted much of my newer work; I’m still digging through my archives because they are so extensive, and even AFTER all the purging I’ve finally gotten through, there’s STILL more to do.

But it’s funny because I’ve had multiple sources tell me to keep building a foundation. I have been trusting the process, as haphazard and aimless as it might be sometimes. I still don’t have a bigger picture in mind for either of my websites outside of the loose idea that The Phoenix Desertsong remains my “literary” site where all my more “literary” stuff goes, whatever the flying fuck that means. Obscure Curiosities is my digital garden, where all the other shit goes. It’s very arbitrary and messy and I’m okay with that because YOLO.

However, the card I pulled does indeed suggest that I’m finally reaching the end of a very long bout of tunnel vision. Expand into what, I have no idea. I refuse to return to social media. I have no need of a Patreon or anything of that bent. Yes, I’ve been dabbling with the New Vibrations letters which I intended to abandon before something very unexpected happened…