There are many times in our lives when we are faced with questions we must answer but can’t possibly decide on the correct solution. When every apparent solution seems either impossible, impractical, or doomed to fail, you search for alternatives that aren’t at all obvious. For a short time, I felt like I was finally on my way to living the life I’d always wanted, the life I deserved, but then, physically, mentally, and emotionally I once again began to unravel. Now, I am beyond my breaking point, consistently threatening to end my own existence of my own will before my various maladies decide my fate for me. 

But, I did not come this far to simply throw away what precious moments I may have left. I owe it to my love, the one who built a castle around me and made me its queen, for all of my shortcomings, I know that I still have something to share, if not with the world, then with her, if only for safekeeping. I am afraid of what impact my words will have on her well-being, as I no longer have any regard for my own health or safety, but I most certainly do for hers. 

I am beginning to feel that I am living in past tense, that whatever future may appear to be ahead for me isn’t one that I’m looking forward to at all. I continue to be proven right in all of the negative trends befalling our world, not that humanity has ever been much to be proud of, even for all of mankind’s triumphs and accomplishments, the wanton destruction our species has wrought upon Mother Nature deserves to be repaid in kind. 

It is only a matter of time before the Universe has Her way with the most indignant of her children. Certainly none of us are entirely innocent even in some small way of doing Her harm, but many more than a select few, who have taken it upon themselves to soak up whatever meaningful control they can have on the general public through technology that was meant to bring us closer to bettering ourselves and not further from it.

Perhaps, however, there is just enough creative spark left within the billions of neurons spatting about inside my skull. Whatever inspiration I may derive from the one who loves me unconditionally I cannot underestimate, as for what else should I continue to labor, for I am so often now ignored. Perhaps my words must again be plenty, on subjects that people think are worthy of attention, but I must then twist the subject matter towards my aims of trying to make people remember how to think for themselves.

The elitism I see in many aspects of our world, especially in the scourge that social media is becoming, how games were once fun but are now overrun with algorithms designed to create a false sense of competitive atmosphere. I find myself turning to more idle diversions, mixed with mind-bending puzzles, just to give myself some variety, with the hope that I will earn pennies towards something tangible I can later purchase for myself.

I’ve not labored so long deriving the skill sets necessary to convey my many thoughts in some comprehensible fashion. I worry that with my rambling ways that I will once again turn into a grammatically incorrect spewer of nonsensical jibber-jabber, just in order to rank for certain keyword phrases so that I may once again be found by the relentless surfers of the world wide web. For once my online writings were a seemingly valuable treasure trove of geeky babble, found by those crawling for every competitive advantage they can acquire through learning about rectangular tangible assets – some of them often used in a tabletop gaming setting while others simply sit in hard plastic shells begging to be admired. 

Is this where I should return, to the one pursuit that while it barely paid any bills, at least brought me some sense of accomplishment? I look back on my past works, and the only time I ever felt that anyone held any respect for my analytical over-processing, it was regarding inked cardboard. But, I feel I was much too dry and journalistic for my own taste. While the best of my work in that category has been preserved, I feel that going forward, I must aim to wax much more philosophically, sharing my insights as to why such painted rectangles are held in such high regard, especially on an individual basis, but also in the wider context of the metaverses we so often entrap ourselves within to protect us from the increasingly scary “real world”. 

Perhaps it is fitting that I have chosen the latest Magic the Gathering set to unleash a new type of creative fury upon the annals of my web domain. It all starts with a red wedding… that is how the hype has been built, with special guests delineating just enough of a set preview to whet your vampire appetite. For what plane in Magic the Gathering history appeals to my love of Gothic themes as much as Innistrad? Perhaps it is time for me, with whatever little energies may be left within these weary bones and decaying flesh, to release the whole of my majestic overstatements of the ironically understated. Was I a hipster in denial all my life? From my upcoming words, you will need to be the judge of that.

~ Amelia Desertsong