There’s a line from Simon & Garfunkel’s 1970 classic “The Only Living Boy in New York” that occasionally thumps me on the forehead like a passive-aggressive post-it note: “I get all the news I need from the weather report.”

That’s either poetic detachment or the kind of deadpan wisdom only a man in a corduroy blazer could deliver. Either way, I get it. Some mornings, the only broadcast I can handle is one that tells me whether my shoes will survive the day. If the forecast calls for drizzle, I know to carry an umbrella. If it says “sunny with a chance of crippling despair,” I know to stay off my MSN news feed entirely.

In the grand cluster of our modern lives, where your phone thinks it’s your boss and the news thinks it’s your god, the weather report has become, ironically, the most emotionally stable thing in our lives. It at least gives us some approximation of the truth of what Mother Nature is going to throw our way today. There’s no sensationalism or breathless scroll of horrors. Just: “Partly cloudy with a 30% chance you’ll question your existence by noon.”

Somehow, in our information age, that feels like enough for me these days. So, while I’m thinking about this great iconic lyric, I’ve stitched together seven weather-inspired life hacks to help us all forecast a bit of sanity for ourselves today.

1. Filter for Forecasts, Not Fear Porn
   Not all information is created equal. Some of it exists solely to inflame your sense of moral outrage or trick you into buying dubious supplements. Choose your inputs like you choose your produce: no bruised bananas or talking heads.
2. Digital Umbrellas, Please
   You don’t check the weather 137 times a day, so why are you letting push notifications treat your brain like a piñata? Schedule your scrolling. Use ad blockers. You deserve focus, not 24-hour panic programming.
3. Nature Is the Original Breaking News
   The wind doesn’t care about who’s following you on X or commented on your latest Instagram post. The moon isn’t tracking your engagement metrics. Go outside and touch grass, or snow, or mud.
4. Is This Headline Nutritional or Just Noise?
   Before you click anything, ask yourself: Will this enhance my understanding of the world or just give me a cortisol hangover? Most things aren’t worth the click. Especially if it ends in “…and you won’t believe what happened next.”
5. Make Time for Stillness, Without Turning It Into a Side Hustle
   Silence is NOT laziness. You’re allowed to stare at the wall while your tea cools and the world spins on without your commentary. Congratulations, you’re not a productivity robot. You’re an actual human being who needs to pause once in awhile to breathe and process your surroundings.
6. Talk to Actual People
   Remember humans, The ones not filtered through hashtags and outrage-driven algorithms? Talk to them, in real life even. Don’t just text when you can easily call. Actually, meet up with someone IN PERSON! I know, paradigm busting, isn’t it? You’re especially blessed if you know someone who knows how to say “I don’t know” without spontaneously combusting.
7. Zoom Out Your Perspective
   The weather gives you a big picture. It doesn’t just say “rain.” It says, “here’s what’s happening in the sky, and here’s how it might affect your cruelty-free picnic.” We could learn something from that: look at causes, connections, and consequences. Stop letting headlines make you contemplate your worldview one panic attack at a time.

When I was little, I used to really love the weather report. Apparently, back then, before the world told me otherwise, I knew what mattered. Not the scandal du jour or the top five trending Google searches. Just: “Will I need a coat when I go out to the store?” Seriously, that should be all the clarity I need to go about my day.

I suppose, then, we should get all our news from the weather report. It’s the one news source that hasn’t tried to sell me crypto, shame my body, or predict the apocalypse for ratings.

Besides, when the real storm comes, I’d rather be the one holding the umbrella than everyone else screaming and flailing around on fire about how no one warned us that it would be today.

~ Amelia Phoenix Desertsong