It’s not my place to rationalize human nature. Yet, often I feel this incredible urge to try and give novel insight into the nature of humankind. Why is this? It continues to elude me. Sometimes it just seems that I notice things that people do not see, only to then in conversation allude to only the profoundly obvious. 

I don’t think it’s a fear of expression. It’s just a lack of focus. My thoughts are so often muddled, perhaps because I seem to get all of this extra-sensory input that I cannot process correctly and usefully. It is so incredibly frustrating to know that you have wisdom to share with the world, and then somehow not know how to express it. The written word has always been my most effective means of expressing the thoughts that circle round in my head, as well as those thoughts that appear and disappear at will, only to reappear at another time completely out of context, in so that they are completely misunderstood and I feel like a moron because I lost focus on whatever else I was doing!

Is it Attention Deficit Disorder, or what? In our society which is so ADD-prone, I’m not sure that I can really answer that. It’s more of a mentality than a mental disorder in my opinion. Besides, it has never been the case that I am not able to focus. It is just that oftentimes I come to think about things which are far more interesting than what I was currently doing. So there! That’s just how it is. Such moments of inspiration, however, do not come when I wish them to. They simply just happen. That is, just like these random attractions for random people. I sense something that no one else does, and then try to understand it, only to confuse the hell out of myself. So it goes.

So, how do I attain this focus? I need a singular object on which to focus my flagrant emotions. I only know of one method to accomplish that, and that method is finding someone to act as a counter-balance for my more unmanageable side, the passionate side, the side of myself I wish I could simply leave behind. It is this passion, however, which gives me my power of expression. Without it, I am nothing more than an average Joe, an average person, in a mediocre world, someone who has no idea what to do with himself, and someone very lonely. People may surround me, but I have almost always been truly alone. Being unique can truly suck. If I can get that focus, however, it will be most wonderful, and that passionate side can truly shine through.

Glimpses of the genius within will appear in some of my academic works. The rest of the time, it is only seen through the words which I write and type for my own eyes to see.

~ APD 2005-11-28